I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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