Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
