I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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