This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
