Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
