So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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