So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
