I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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