Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
