I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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