Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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