Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
