Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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