if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
