I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
