So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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