you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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