Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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