my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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