So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so let's talk penis.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
