I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Too much gin, very little bucket
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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