I think i peed on brittanys purse
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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