The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
