I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We have started to decorate penises.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
