Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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