so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
bring money and cleavage
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
