The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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