and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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