i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
