I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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