He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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