I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
