I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
