You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
