I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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