I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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