I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
not ubering you a puppy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
