Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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