At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
