he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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