Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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