on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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