We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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