I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
