Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
