your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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