got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
