Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
