i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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