what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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