after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
