I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
