my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
